If you feel as though you can’t separate your identity from your partner’s, setting boundaries and cultivating your inner dialogue can help you learn how not to be codependent.
Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who’s controlling and requires support on account of substance use and addiction.
While a codependent relationship involves two people, being codependent describes a person who frequently compromises their wants and needs to support a loved one experiencing addiction.
volunteering to sacrifice your wants and needs for your partner’s
feeling rejected when your partner does things without you
being unable to tell others “no”
You can also have codependent traits even when you’re not in a relationship. Consider the following tips to discover how you can engage in healthy relationships that support your well-being.
1. Noticing codependent behaviors
Codependency isn’t a personal choice. As a learned behavior, it can be challenging to break these relationship patterns.
Awareness of certain behaviors as well as intentional efforts to improve them can make a big difference.
Dr. Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist from Boston, says knowing what you deserve is a big step toward breaking codependency. You can build self-esteem through:
using positive self-talk
writing down your positive traits
putting a list of your positive qualities where you can see it everyday
learning new skills
3. Creating (and holding) boundaries
Being codependent can mean ignoring your boundaries if it means pleasing your partner, often leaving you feeling taken for granted.
“State what is OK and not OK with you; and, follow-through with consequences when your mate treats you in a way that’s not acceptable,” suggests Dr. Cortney Warren, a board-certified clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine, Chicago.
You can discover your boundaries by asking yourself questions like:
What actions make me feel unhappy?
What did I do today that I didn’t want to?
4. Practicing assertive communication
“Codependency requires silence, so find your voice in your relationship,” advises Morley.
You can practice assertive communication by:
using “I” statements (ex: I feel…)
being clear and direct
explaining your thoughts ( I feel this way because…)
keeping eye contact
being willing to keep up the discussion until a solution is found
5. Introspection
Sometimes learning how to not be codependent means learning about yourself and what it means to be codependent.
Introspection, says Melissa Bennett-Heinz, a psychotherapist from Ramseur, North Carolina, can come in the form of asking yourself questions like:
How do you take care of yourself?
Do you find yourself saying yes to things you often regret later?
Do you feel drained either emotionally, physically, or financially?
Are you resentful of a friend, loved one, or partner for your giving/helping?
Have you neglected yourself self and put yourself second to someone else?
